Decide the plus-one policy before anyone is invited
The awkward plus-one conversations happen when the policy is invented one guest at a time. Decide it before the invitation goes out and write it down: who may bring someone, whether that person must be named, and whether the answer depends on the guest group. A common pattern is that couples and long-standing partners are invited by name, speakers and VIPs may bring a guest, and everyone else is invited alone. Whatever you choose, the invitation must say it plainly, because a guest who has to guess will guess generously.
The policy also has a budget behind it. Every plus-one is a meal, a seat, a drink allowance and a pass at the door. If capacity is tight, it is kinder to say "this invitation is for you" than to allow plus-ones and then quietly refuse some of them.
Named plus-ones or an unnamed "guest"
An unnamed plus-one, the familiar "and guest", is flexible for the inviter and expensive for everyone else. The door does not know who to expect, the seating plan has a gap, and the dietary question has nobody to answer it. Wherever you can, ask for the companion’s full name in the reply, and treat the companion as a guest in their own right: their own row, their own meal choice, their own allergy answer and, at a larger event, their own pass.
Keep the link between the two people. The companion should be recorded as coming with a specific guest, so that if the main guest cancels you can see at once that two places are freed, not one. If the companion is still undecided when the reply is sent, let the guest say "bringing someone, name to follow" and follow up for the name before the final numbers.
Children are guests too
If children are welcome, ask how many and how old. Age decides the menu, the seat (a high chair is not a chair), sometimes the price the caterer charges, and at some venues whether they may be admitted at all. If children are not invited, say so politely and early, ideally on the invitation itself, rather than discovering at the door that a family assumed otherwise.
Children’s allergies deserve the same care as adults’, and parents will often know them more precisely. Ask for them per child, not as a single note for the whole family.
How to ask about dietary requirements and allergies
Separate preferences from medical needs. "Vegetarian" and "no pork" are choices the kitchen plans around; a nut, shellfish or sesame allergy is a safety matter that the kitchen and the service staff must know by name and by table. Mixing them in one free-text box produces answers like "veggie, bit allergic to nuts maybe", which nobody can act on.
A short structure works better than an open box: a choice of menu if you offer one, a list of common requirements to tick, and a free-text field for anything else, with a separate yes/no for a severe allergy. Ask the question for each person in the party, including the plus-one and the children.
- Menu choice, if there is one: for example meat, fish or vegetarian.
- Common requirements to tick: vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, lactose-free, halal, kosher, no pork, no alcohol.
- Allergies: which ones, and whether the allergy is severe.
- Anything else the kitchen should know, in the guest’s own words.
- The same questions repeated for each companion and each child.
Accessibility needs: ask once, kindly
Many guests will never mention that they need step-free access, a seat near the exit, a hearing loop or space for a wheelchair unless you ask. One neutral question, such as "Is there anything that would make the event easier for you to attend?", gathers most of it without asking anyone to explain their health. Read the answers well before the day, because some of them need the venue’s help, not just a note on a list.
Treat these answers as sensitive information. Share them with the people who need to act on them, the venue manager, the host at the door, and nobody else.
From replies to the caterer’s list
The kitchen does not want your guest list; it wants numbers per menu, a separate list of allergies with names and table numbers, and a date after which those numbers are final. Agree that date with the caterer at the start, put your RSVP deadline a few days before it, and send one consolidated list rather than a stream of corrections.
- Agree the caterer’s final-numbers date, then set the RSVP deadline before it.
- Count meals per menu choice, including companions and children.
- List every allergy with the guest’s name and table, marking the severe ones.
- Brief the service staff on the severe allergies, not only the kitchen.
- Send one list, dated, and say clearly when it replaces an earlier one.
Late changes and the last week
Something will change in the last week: a partner falls ill, a guest becomes vegan, a child joins after all. Decide who is allowed to make those changes, update the record rather than an email thread, and send the caterer the difference, not the whole list again. A change to a dietary answer after the final-numbers date should go straight to the person in charge of catering, by name.
On the day, the door team should see the plus-one with the guest, so that a companion arriving separately is still recognised, and the host should know which tables carry a severe allergy.